Year of the Johnny 1.4 on the road to YotJ 5.0

It has been 16 months since I started Year of the Johnny. In that time the upward march has been record breaking. I feel energized by all the positive life changes I have made and still make every day. I sometimes think what it would be like to walk away from it all and sit back down on the street. No cares. No worries except shelter food clothing. Easy. The trade off would be all the free time  I need to perfect HaHC. It would be great. Then I think about the battle with depression and having to deal with negative people forced to live on the street. They are either strung out or drunk. They bitch about everything. Not a day will go by without having to talk someone out of a planned overdose or jumping in front of a train. I would become a victim of the weather. I would eat garbage junk food, not work out and my skin would suffer from the elements. Friends would disappear. Life as I know it will end.

WHY DO I THINK GOING BACK TO A LIFE OF HOMELESSNESS?

Because somewhere in my mind I think it's easier than working for someone else.

No.

Because I am a lazy slug who loves sleeping with rats and cockroaches.

No.

Because my diseased thinking is always trying to conquer me.

Yes.

No matter what I read. How long I read. How excited I get about what I read and sometimes that's like a little boy on Christmas morning. I still have to combat that self destructive self defeating side of my brain. It is happening less and less.  I am able to spot it now and I do. Then I carry on the right path. The path to greatness. The path to fulfillment.  The path to wonder mystery mastery happiness gratitude love and gratitude.

I read everyday. I read what I can it is always enough to keep my mind busy and thinking. Yesterday while working on my recovery website I was listening to TED.  I was introduced to Tai Lopez. H excited me. All these people I am learning about are turning me on. They are turning up the heat. They are reminding me why I crawled out of the gutter. I read what they write and blog about and I get excited.

Why.

Because I know this potential is in all of us. I am tapping it now. I have gained this much ground with love help mentoring and determination. I was starting to become comfortable with what I had. I have nothing yet. I HAVE SO MUCH FARTHER TO GO. I came this far in Year of the Johnny 1.4. When dawn awakens in Year of the Johnny 5.0 look out world. I will be achieved and with me those who have helped pave and light my why.  TAI really turned up my focus last night and my smile today is for the principle he taught me.

Another great man. A mentor. My second father told me anything can be achieved with the right tools and hard work. My brain will seek out the knowledge and combined with my heart I will bring on the hard work. I know I can achieve all I desire now.

I heard the words I needed to hear again last night and I will keep myself surrounded by these entrepreneurial masters until I have surpassed their greatness and glory.

Anyone can achieve in this life you just have to want to get your hands really dirty, be grateful daily, and prepare for the long haul to halls of happiness.

Humiliating? Too bad, just piss in the cup!

Last night I had to screen a patient’s urine at work. Not out of the ordinary but annoying. I really hate having to stand in a bathroom while someone tries to beat the urine screening and get over on me because they cannot stop smoking pot. (Next blog: my take on marijuana and addiction.) He tells me while he is peeing that the last clinic he was at there was a mirror set up so the faggot who did the toxicology screens could get off while clients pissed.

Was I offended? Yes. Did I show it? No. I told him the guy might be a homosexual but I am sure it is part of the job because people like to give other people’s urine in place of their own. Clients think they are slick and can beat a urine test all kinds of creative ways. Presently we have a client whom is doing this exactly. He thinks he is so cunning.

He even pours the remainder into the toilet so it appears he is peeing. Class act! Too bad when I twist the cover on the sample bottle the urine is as cold as the dead. I asked him about this and he said keep holding it and it will warm up. Now that’s intelligence. He has pretty much cut his own throat. We will do an onsite next week after his normal routine and he thinks he got over again.

Back to the mirror, and the new patient:

So, he feels that all homosexuals get off watching other guys pee. I did not disclose my sexuality because it is none of his business but I assured him many homosexual men and women find it quite humiliating to have to be in a room with another man pissing. I don’t even like to be in the bathroom with my husband when he is using the toilet. I’m not into “water sports” and most people feel the same way.

I asked him why he feels that a man would get off doing this and would he get off if a woman were peeing in front of him. He said because it is a dick. I laughed. He answered the second question stating something like “if she were hot…” .

My rebuttal was: “So you are assuming your hot and you have a nice dick and in actuality you want this gay man to see it and be jealous that he cannot have it? Or maybe the image of you peeing will make him so bothered he will masturbate to it later?”

Before he spoke I asked him to glance at the men and women in the clinic next time he is in group. I said: “Those are the people in every clinic; people who are fucked up, just out of prison, avoiding prison, tore up from the streets, and any other fucked up scenario.

He didn’t understand. I explained by asking him why he thinks a man would want to get off watching another man pee for three seconds. “Furthermore a dirty fucked up man who lives in a shelter? You are giving the clients too much credit.

The problem is having to pee is degrading and you choose to make it seem like the people collecting the urine enjoy it. We are just doing our job. The guy at the other clinic is sick of being (beat) by clients who think they are smooth. If they were so smooth they wouldn’t be peeing in a fucking cup.

Now can we leave this fucking bathroom I have to go save the picture I clicked of you peeing? Haha!

Then I said, seriously I hope this talk helped you overcome your fear of faggots because I would worry more about those in closet or straight. My point clearly is that if you are reading this and you might have put yourself in a position where your piss needs to be screened for drugs (YES MARIJUANA IS A DRUG) the person whom is collecting said piss is just doing his job. Your addiction keeps us in business. Your behavior keeps us in business. Remember this, we are not interested in catching a glimpse of your unwashed tiny prick. This is the uncomfortable part of our job watching you humiliate yourself while you piss in a cup. 

Jolin Tsai -" 不一樣又怎樣 We're All Different, Yet the Same."

On March 25^th and 26^th, in Atlantic City, NJ, Jolin Tsai a Taiwanese, singer songwriter, will perform two shows at the Borgata Hotel and Casino.  Let’s all get out and welcome her to the Tri-state area and show our appreciation for the support that she gives to the LGBT community throughout the world.

This tour features her recent release: PLAY.  So many of her hits in Asia; I’m Not Yours, Miss Trouble, Play, and the song, 不一樣又怎樣 (We are all Different, Yet the Same) are included in the album. Tsai’s studio performance is lyrically and emotionally brilliant.

Fortunately, my husband helps me understand the Mandarin Chinese lyrics and when he is not available to help with a troubling phrase Google has some great translations available. (In case you are interested in translating some of her lyrics for yourself.) Tsai’s assertion that when two people mutually love one another such a bond and only be positive. “Their lives turned extraordinary when in the same bed.” Who or what gives anyone the right to judge this love once it has sparked?

From a young age we are all taught that this mate we seek after is to be an opposite of sex. By the time I was 8 years of age I felt different. I knew I liked boys. When out with my sister and mother on Cape Cod we would sometimes see two men hand in hand or publicly show affection with a kiss. I would feel something that I quite could not recognize but it would be driven away when I would hear my mother say, “Oh what a shame. They are such good looking guys.” I fought my true feelings for many years and told myself I was straight, but I could no longer deny my feelings. Deep inside denying my true self was literally killing me.

In our world today homosexuality is no longer viewed as such a monstrosity. Still homosexuals face inequality, slander, abuse, and hate. No matter who a person loves or marries it is still hard to give of oneself to another. Tsai expresses this within the lyrics, “It is blood and sweat” and “The significant other turned into (their respective) spouses, leaving behind an out of an ordinary legacy.” When my lover and I married last year our differences give us our uniqueness; the union gives us our power, strength, and hope. How can a feeling such as the love that two people share for one another be considered anything but BEAUTIFUL. Who is god, religion, the president, the Pope, or anyone to tell someone who they can love or marry? Love is a feeling. It is natural and it happens Hate groups hide behind their fear of difference with ignorance and intolerance. 

Tsai is sending a message with the song, We are all Different Yet the Same, that no matter who is expressing love it is still a sacrament an energy that grows into the strongest of emotions. Love has the power to unite worlds, stop wars, end hate, violence, and suffering.  Jolin’s song has a powerful message teaching that it is time to accept and recognize the beauty and strangeness of love. We are not asking you to understand homosexuality or to try homosexuality. All we ask is for the chance to let us be ourselves, love who we want to love, and live in harmony with one another.

Most of all please stop using God as an excuse to deny any being love.  Let’s extend our hearts to Jolin Tsai on March 25th and 26^th in Atlantic City, NJ. She will be on stage performing her best for her fans in the Tri-state area these nights.

Tri-state LGBT Community, be ready dance the night away in support of this beautiful woman’s efforts of bringing tranquility to our community! If any country (not just LGBT community) should understand the message in the lyrics to this song it is ours. The USA is a country that prides itself on being truly different, yet the same.                                                                                                                                    SHARE.

The fox and The hen

The wolf and the hen meet in an extraordinary way. The hen was doing whatever she needed to stay alive in a foreign place away from the hen house she loved so dearly. She was keeping herself alive with a job that she learned so long ago. The job was good for her. She was pretty and sky as the foxes she entertained. Not only did this job make her reach it filled her ego.

The fox on the other hand was beat up and tired of his life. He worked and slept and ate when needed. His self esteem was crushed and he spent his days and nights alone. He didn’t know that something amazing was about to happen because his self doubt went deep inside his very bones. The fox wasn’t always so self destructive. He lived as an outcast in the forest for years. He provided for himself and always carefully for those he bedded down with at night. The fox was working towards change and positive things were happening all around him. He was happy. He believed he could climb out of his self-made hell, but sadly he still felt alone.

Then he met the hen. He crept into her house. The hen was already prepared for the day when this particular fox would come knocking. She played weak and timid. Scared of being so alone in a foreign land. The hen was a great actor and like all hens selfish and self centered by design. The fox played right into her hand. After several dates the hen broke it to the fox by saying there have to be some changes if you want to be seen in public with the likes of me. The fox listened to the list of changes and they were all superficial adjustments. 

The fox set out to change his style and attitude.  All the changes came quickly and the fox felt better because he was getting compliments from everyone he knew. He was getting checked out all the time by all types of animals in the forest. The fox felt like a lion proud and pretty. His self esteem soared. This came with a price though most of the money the fox had saved disappeared in order to fulfill this obligation to the hen.

The hen was amazed at the change and she spent every spare moment she had with the fox. The fox felt the empty spaces in his heart fill up. The fox felt love for the hen but he knew the feeling was not mutual. There were some changes they still needed to be changed but the fox couldn’t let go of some of these devices he had refined long ago when he was growing up. The fox needed his assumptions. He sometimes assumed too much but his assumptions were very accurate most of the time. Even though the fox was humble he had moments of arrogance. This arrogance kept him alive for many years without it the fox would have had no reason to live. He would have curled up in a ball and ceased to exist.

The hen lived her new life at first but she started to grow bored. The foxes love and praise was not enough to keep her happy. She asked to go back to work. She proclaimed it was for the family but the way she spoke about her job every day and night made the fox curious. He didn’t know what to Belizean longer. The fox started to question his role in this setting.

The hen did her best to assure the fox that he was just paranoid. The fox heard things that were not meant for his ears. The fox has always pretended that he is hard of hearing but he hears just fie.  He heard a plea made by the hen to another fox and it hurt him tremendously. The hen was curious that the fox heard her so she tried to play a game to find out what the fox was thinking.

The game is being played and the fox is now really questioning where he really stands in the hen’s existence. What is so great about all of this is that the fox has overcome his doubts of himself. His self-esteem is soaring. The hen calls it arrogance but it is the hen who is arrogant. The fox is sly. He knows where he stands and each day he strives towards perfection. The fox is grateful of the hen and the work she helped the fox complete. The fox wants this to work with all his heart but he feels everything is slipping through his hands like sand.

The fox knows he can do anything he wants. He has faith in himself but he fears that he cannot fix this because he cannot control another. The hen doesn’t know what will happen next because the fox is sly. The situation is sticky and the fox is sick of being hurt.  The fox is confused now and words will not suffice. This is well past words now. The only thing that can heal this mess is action.

The fox is sad and feels like the world just punched him in the face.

The hen will never understand just how deep the love was going.

The end.

Tattoo

Watching the tired faces scan the platform for loved ones friends or just something familiar after a long I feel their loneliness cry out to me. The cold December air blows throw the tunnel pricking the hairs on the back of neck. I hate when I forget to put on a scarf.  I believe my neck is always cold but subconsciously I just despise this tattoo that permanently marks my neck. It stares at people; relentlessly causing discomfort. Always revealing assumptions to strangers about the character that is me. The pain that man endured to wear that mark on his neck must have been phenomenal.  He must be animal. Most definitely, he is a criminal, in a gang, an ex-con, a biker, dope-fiend, or a speed-freak! Hmmmmmmmmm? Maybe a tattoo artist, a stupid teenager, a lost soul, a good kid, rebellious, non-conformist, creative, different, unique, and a little bit insane! 

Philly

Neat..
Eddie and I went to Philly this weekend and it was somewhat of an unusual Philadelphia experience for me.
I never told Eddie my story about Philly. I have not shared this story with many . Never on the blog and have yet to decide to put in the book, it was a very scary experience. Not sure of the the legalities that could arise and I am just not comfortable telling the full story.
IN MY TRUCK> IN THE 90's > COPPING DOPE WITH CRISIS>
So Eddie and I had a fun time on the bus. We played with a 3-5 year old Chinese boy. I had him jumping and yelling and screaming, drooling and throwing shit everywhere. Eddie was tired of him, but of course I fell asleep so Eddie was stuck to play the games. Haha. Eddie fell asleep the bus quieted down, but then I awoke to start my foolish games with the boy again. Now i have him jumping from seat to seat. Eddie sis upset, The woman next to me who smells like she woke up under Canal Street is pissed off with all this nonsense. She tried to move her seats for the last 20 minutes of the ride. She finally was able to get to a new seat but it took her at least 19 of them minutes. She was more repulsive than the child's play with her last snaggle-tooth shinning in the blue glow of the unused USB plugs. Grrrrr. She was so unkempt and her hygiene was nonexistent. I couldn't tell if I was smelling the unwashed restroom of the Chinatown bus or if it was her clothes, skin, and you know what.
WE GET HIGH-JACKED> CRISIS IN TRUCK> I'M IN AN ALLEY WAY WITH TWO CRACK-HEADS> ONE PRETENDING TO HOLD GUN ON ME>
We get off the bus and head to our room in the Society Hill Hotel. It is a real nice room with stand-up shower. A nice warm color of sea-foam green, big Victorian windows, with forest green curtains. The weather is balmy for early January in Pennsylvania. The rug is comforting to our tired feet and the bed is firm, yet very accepting of us. We shower. Head to Philly's Chinatown for a nice inviting mean of dried tofu sheets in a almond sauce, scallion pancakes, and chicken covered with spicy garlic sauce. We stroll around Chinatown looking at the sites, bums, and boys, buy a Chinese checker game, and head back to Society Hill. We walk through the Art neighborhoods of Old City Philly in a light drizzle. Once in the room our clothes litter the floor and we fall to the bed and learn just how enveloping these room can be, an hour later we smile and kiss goodnight and drift away to our own space in dreams.
"EMPTY YOUR POCKETS >SLOWLY> START WITH YOUR JEANS> SLOWLY," I SAID!
Awake. I walk down the stairs with a cup of coffee in hand. I smoke and tour the neighborhood in the light of day. The winter warmth is so unusual and strange. What is happening to the Earth? The morning is nice. I find a cafe for our breakfast. I light another smoke and head back to the room.
NOW EMPTY THE JEAN POCKETS> THAT ONE FIRST> JACKPOT! I FEEL THE FAMILIAR FEEL> I POP THE CAP OF THE SYRINGE> I HAVE IT IN MY HAND> NOW GIVE ME AN OPPORTUNITY>
Back in the room. Eddie gets up to pee. I lie in bed and wait. He comes back to bed. I greet his morning-hood. He smiles. I smile. I shower. We play again but this time with real marbles. He defeats me, twice. He had better the game comes from his homeland. I fall back into bed and he makes me feel like I have won. My prize is beautiful. Happiness. We shower. I tell I found a place for brunch. He asks me if I am okay. I live and say, "Yes. of course." We dress and pack. We leave the Society Hill Hotel, forever. Hmmmmm. Maybe? We go to Farmcia and order our brunch. he has a Turkey club. I get a Ham and Swiss omelette. We eat. He ask's again, "Are you Okay?"
THE NEEDLE IS PLUNGED DEEP IN THE SOCKET> I RUN> IT"S DARK> HE SCREAMS> I HEAR NOTHING>I WAIT FOR THE HOT METAL TO PIERCE MT BACK> I TURN A CORNER> I RUN DOWN A HILL> I SEE MY TRUCK> THE KNIFE ON CRISIS SHINING IN THE STREET LAMP> FASTER> MOMENTUM> DOWN THE STEEPNESS> TOO FAST> I CAN"T STOP> HE TURNS> I GRAB HIS ARM AND DRIVE US BOTH INTO THE DOOR> CLANK CLANK CLACK CLACK> DARKNESS>
We pay our bill and walk outside. We walk around Philly and the feeling leaves me. I feel happy. Its over. I wont see the guy with the fucked up eye, begging for money, looking into my soul, knowing it was me. He chose his fate. I was just doing what needed to be done to survive. I was a deer in the headlights. lost, alone, scared. Now I am found, in love,alive.
I COME TOO IN THE TRUCK> CRISIS SHAKING> COUNTING MONEY> SCREAMING> DRIVE FUCKER> DRIVE>
We board the bus and head back to NYC. Philly is behind me and its not that bad.

January 1st 2016

Here we are. Year of the Johnny take II!

2015 what a year, so much to be grateful about. So much. If you have been following this blog you will know that I didn’t keep my promise to update daily. He’ll I didn’t even mange to update weekly I did become very busy and this is amazing.  I all not promise any such thing this ear, but I will give you a weekly post. 

2015 recap… finished training at the TRTC, shortly after CASAC schooling ended, I found myself an internship at The PAC Program of Manhattan of which I finished and was put on a stipend and then shortly thereafter I was employed by the program and currently still work for the PAC Program. Besides working in the field I went to school for I started delivering food for a bike messenger company. I was eventually this job turned into a full time cooking position. The job was short lived because of management inconsistency. I was fired on a Friday because I called the kitchen manager on his inability to function with constant pride and positivity. He told everyone to take pride in their job and work but his example lacked motivation and care. He called a mandatory meeting the day after Labor Day for all kitchen staff and if any one of us didn’t show or were late we would be docked 2 hours of pay. The day of the meeting, he told me via text message that he was so hung over he was not coming to work. A few weeks later I had told my KM that I would be late because of a dental appointment. He said it was fine but he failed to write this information on a calendar. When the day came I reminded him about being late he asked if I had a cover. I told him I was going to be late and not absent. I also reminded him that I told him 3 weeks in advance about this appointment.  His poodle size brain didn’t seem to retain this information. I had to call thee new KM, the fat alcoholic who rated jerry Garcia shitty wardrobe, acted like I never informed anyone.  He started acting all Powerful and mighty. He didn’t like when I called him on his bullshit and alcoholism. So he fired me for insubordination. Haha. Pies and Thighs. All their recipes are stolen from the Internet.  Pies and thighs where there care more about food than their employees or customers, pies and thighs where the owners are homophobic.  Pies and Thighs where the truth is never told.  The job signified something more than money. It showed me how humble I was to put up with the lies for six months, to not get angry that a dishwasher made more than me, and I learned to deal with people on a new level the job meant a ton to me I made some good friends, laughed, and still smile when I think about the fun nights.  As for the owners and the fat ass KM, I hope this year they wake up and realize that people are important without them they wouldn’t have anyone to serve their shitty food too.

This WILL happen in 2016: the first issue of Homeless Alone Hungry and Cold will be published.  Eddie and I will have a beautiful Honeymoon somewhere on this lovely Earth. I will pass my CASAC exam.  I will apply to TRTC as a teacher.  I will get my ESL English program off the ground and hopefully start work on sociology masters at Hunter College.

I am grateful for all the people who have stood by me and listened to me bitch and moon, rejoice and praise, and basically just listen to me ramble. They are mentioned in no order but the way I thought of them: Eddie Jason Jan Bob Ryan JJ Sharon Andrea and her wonderful family Glenny Luke CJ Randy and everyone else who has helped me along the way. Thank you and I love you