Hi ya'll! It’s been a bit but you know what who gives a
fuck. No one follows my blog anyway. Just like everything else this is for me.
My forum to let me know I am still real.
I exist with my fucked up emotions. I don’t live in a constant of
sedation. I am not sure how I feel about this, but I am giving it a try. It
doesn’t hurt to try, does it? Okay really then why don’t you try some heroin?
Everyone has a friend a person a confidant that they can run to with all of
their hopes and dreams, their sadness and hurt and pain. Well mine was heroin
for so long and now its not, but they are days when I wish I could just expose myself
and all my nakedness to her. She would lie there with her open arms and caress
every inch of me, wash away all the troubles, renew me, refresh me and then
protect me in her warm amniotic fluid of her womb. She will keep me refreshed
and unborn to the world and asleep in the surreal land of N.O.D.
So it is the year of the Johnny and that is for sure. Everything
happened so fast. It’s not enough of course. I always want more. I am not
happy. I am lonelier now than when I was panhandling. I at least spoke to
people who gave a fuck about throughout the day. Now I go to work and work and
work and work and get out of work and wish and wish and wish. Fuck.
I woke up so miserable today. My first day off in three
weeks and I wanted to just die. I slept all day. I did not care see or speak to
anyone. Why? Well if you have been reading we know that I have been struggling
with this certain guy, I will call him double H
I met Double H in a
hard time of the year. I like to consider it as the time when I was paying for
all of my good fortune. Friends and family members were dying on a regular
basis and I managed to handle the loss without the crutch of self-destruction. I
mean what a perfect time to get high and say fuck it. Everyone would
understand. Instead I walked into a deli and saw a guy who was dressed in a
bear suit. He was so adorable... His smile burned through the cold of the day
and the cold I felt in my heart. I was in love. Yeah In love. First site shit.
And it’s fucking real. We became friends and we talked and talked and talked.
Then one day the topic came up and he asked when we were going to fuck/ I got
nervous, I was so worried about this coming up. I wasn’t ready. I had all the
scars on my ass. I was 30+ pounds overweight. Self-conscious and scarred to get
naked in front of this boy. I told him it was to soon. I think I insulted him
because I am sure no one had ever said no to this beautiful man. I didn’t say I
wasn’t ready I said we were not ready. He was ready. He was ready to fuck the
first day. He was/is me when I was his age. Hell he is me when I was 10 years
younger than his age is now. I knew how to get what I wanted from men and how
to use my young body to get it. I don’t think that is the case with him. I
think he is just a normal man dealing with his overly active youthful sex
drive.
Time went by and something happened and he told me to get
the fuck out of the store one day. I have been trying to find my way back
since. Many people have told me to just forget him and move on. I can’t. It’s
my life so I won’t. Many people told me dope was bad for me to go a detox clinic
and move on. I didn’t until I was ready, so I don’t I will listen to your
advice on this either. I knew it was going to end in heartache and a big bucket
of tears, but I thought I would have a little tome spent with him. I do think
there are other forces trying to keep us separated. I do not think it is just
him. He told me to wait until September once and I set my sights for the fall. Autumn
a perfect time to fall in love. Sweaters, leaves on the ground, chilly nights,
and perfect smells of nature rolling through the air. I hope it is for real.
The other day I panicked and wanted him then and there, I
went to the store and was ignored as usual. I watched him talk to dirty little
queer that looked like he used his pants to wipe his face and hands on after
breakfast he spoke with Double H quietly and private. He walked by me several
times that day, once in the am after he left the store and once while on a
smoke break at work. The guy definitely doesn’t live in Chinatown .
I think he is a messenger for some shit deal that Double H got himself involved
with before we met.
Well, I have decided I am going to give him the space he
needs or wants from me. I am not going to spend free time lurking around hoping
to talk. He knows how to find me. If he needs me I am never far, NYC isn’t that
big. I am in love and I cannot just walk away without some kind of closure. He
owes me that much. I don’t want to hurt him, so I will keep my distance away
and my jealousy should be controlled if I stop hanging around.
He doesn’t have to change his lifestyle to be friends with me;
I just want what he promised me the day before he threw me out. I want him to
try and be a better friend to me.
I don’t have to wonder what sex would be like if we were to succumb
to our desires. The passion would drive us crazy; I know that for a fact. He is
a sexual creature. I am a sexual creature. A sex addict. I have not has sex
that mattered to me for a very long time. This ritual would be explosive. I just
hope that I once again let my ego and self-consciousness destroy something that
could be beautiful. I am sick of frequenting sex clubs to get a quick fix and
feel wanted by the perverted cliental.
Until next time…Cheers.
Oh I have realized that writing daily in the blog is no
longer realistic, but I will get one piece out to who ever care once a week.
Tootles Johnny Check out my essays on Noisey-Vice.com. the first essay is titled, "Turning
tricks to get my fix."
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