Good Grief...

Sorry for the silence.
I plan to post everyday but I was hit by a hat-trick of terrible news.

After visiting a friend an ICU, I received a phone call from a friend of the family to inform that another friend of the family was also in an ICU with some rare blood disease. This friend also informed of a series of tests that my 90 year old mother had just undergone. Something inside felt horrible and it told me to prepare for the worse news.

A few days later a call from my sister in the middle of the day was not normal and they feeling in my gut resurfaced. It was about mom. My sister told me she had 6 months to live. Pancreatic Cancer.

This is how Mr. Self-destruct processed this news. First I go through the Why me's and why them, but more why me....Hey I am working on this. I can at least identify it and honestly type it out for the world to read. Can you?

The next series of grieving personalizes it more. I then began to think of the people closest to this friends who are suffering. I think of the lives these friends lived. They worked hard, were doing what made them feel great and happy. They were getting the most of life. My mother had a great life. Not major health problems. Hus my dad's alcoholism in which she protected and my insanity that caused her pain, suffering, anger fear, etc. over the way I chose to live the first part of my life.  I then process this information internally and question the powers that be. Why is it not me lying there? why didn't I get this news? Why am I going to live and others die? I always think when I finally manage the courage to visit a friend in the hospital that the family is actually think this of me and my life, too.

After a few days or weeks with this I either do the right thing or explode. I am not exploding this time. The right actions will be taken because when I explode I cant manage for to long and I am no use to anyone.

more later.
I promise.