I only want to hold you, I don't want to tie your
down
or fence you in the lines I might have drawn...The Grateful Dead
I pushed you away again and again because I could not watch you
drift into oblivion. The first time you moved into my home I made myself not
interfere with your life. I was just renting you a room. It was hard to
watch you slowly waste your life away in front of Hedwig and the Angry
Inch, skip class and lie to me about going. I could not bring myself
to tell you how to live your life. It hurt me asking you to leave, but it hurt
more watching you waste away. I loved you and you left I never expected that
you would disappear from my life for five years or more.
I did not
see or hear of you for many years after that winter, but I thought of you often.
I always wondered where you were and how you were getting along. Of course I
would run into mutual friends on occasion and I would hear that life was
treating you horribly or you were treating life horribly. Once a year for
several days, you haunt my dreams nightly. It still happens and now I look
forward to you interrupting my sleep nightly. It’s all I have left of you. The
time of year must carry significance to me and the relationship that only I
carry in my heart. You haunt my dreams for several weeks. These dreams are so
real I find myself reaching out for you in my sleep. Some mornings I awake with
the smell of you on my pillows. On several occasions peculiar warmth was
radiating from my empty space in bed next to me. It feels so real. I long for
it to come true. Once the cobwebs are shaken from my eyes, I realize I am still
and most likely will always wake alone. When I open my eyes to the morning, I
mourn the loss of you, friendship, and love.
During this brief time each year, I can think of nothing but you.
Every thing I do somehow reminds me of you. I start to feel concern for your
well being. I now look forward to your yearly haunting, during this time of
year. You have become my personal springtime. You are that brilliant
exhilarating hue of green occurring in nature only in the spring; it lets us
feel the new budding life, growth and love. Why was I such a fool to let you
run through my hands?
As separation grows the more my need for you grows. Lately when
you decide to rent space in my fragile little mind it becomes harder to push
the thought of you and we could have had from my head. My biggest fear is
something happening to you and I will never be able to see or say these words
to you. (I know you have given me many chances and my pride fucked it up.) I
know it is very selfish to turn my sense of loneliness and need into fear for
your safety. Maybe it is the psychic link we now share in the ether letting me
know and sense that you are off too?
So much time has left since, the moment you strolled past me, my
androgynous little angel; you melted me to the place where I stood. You burned
your beauty into my mind. You broke down walls I built so sternly. They
crumpled around me and there I stood naked and exposed to the world. I don't
have to try hard to recall the image of you as you floated by me dressed in black;
your cape fluttered in the warmth of the corridor and gingerly enveloped your
tender elegance and grace. Tres Beau! How can any one who saw you that day
erase such beauty? You bewitched us all, my love. I closed my eyes just now and
saw you drifting past me, floating on the air, the image of beauty that claimed
my heart so many years ago.
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