And if a double-decker bus kills the both of us
to die by your side is such a heavenly way to die…Morrissey
Dearest,
I would love to take up your time and apologize one last time for
anything I ever said or done to ‘cause you harm, discomfort, sorrow. I have
accepted that we are no longer friends. I have accepted that I will never
share victories or defeats in life with one another. I thought I would never
stop longing for you, but I have a new friend in my life. A man who makes
me smile and feel warm inside. He has shattered the images and dreams I have
harbored over, about us ever being one. I fear that ship sailed away long ago.
He has released me from your spell. I still hold your dear in my heart, my
angel, my love, but I am going to open my heart to the universe and live. I know
I have a lot to learn about living and loving, but today I am open to the
process. I have lived alone without a lover long enough. I do want to feel love
in its entirety, both the happiness and pain. I will risk being hurt again. I
am stronger now and I have positive support in my life. I have a network of
beautiful people who truly care. I first most give you and me the closure we
deserve. I owe it to us both. I do not want to be seen as an ass in your eyes.
An apology is long overdue.
I wish you the best. I have always wanted nothing, but the best
for you.
I wish.
I wish I could have been the best, but you were so special I
feared, what I eventually would perpetuate, fucking it up and losing you.
The night you came to me I was scared. I was seeing someone. I am
a hopeless romantic, babe, a traditionalist, a one fag's fag! It was
infatuation, beautiful infatuation that turned to love. It was special. It
didn't last. Nothing lasts. We drifted apart sexually, romantically, but our
friendship never strained, for this I am grateful. I can still call him friend.
I cannot help but wonder, if I tried to talk with you and explain the fear and
reluctance I was experiencing at that moment, how the outcome might have
differed. I now know that it was this dreadful moment in time that has defined
the ending of any affectionate embrace, we could ever share.
I never felt the need or desire to explain my actions, especially
to those I loved. I felt that these friends knew me best, so they would
understand. If I took the time to talk to friends and lovers I would not have
to hide behind these letters. The letters outlining my insecurities: guilt,
uncertainty, insensitivity. Most importantly, if I took chances and let myself
truly love, I might not have experienced my struggles alone.
Deep within my heart, I will always hold you. Your smile still
melts the ice off of my cold frigid flesh. I am not sure if it still turns me
into a tangled mass of wire short circuiting, but you used to wreck havoc to my
insides. In your presence I always felt lost, confused, scared. Often I found
my self struggling to find the right words. The topic of conversation did not
matter the words always jumbled around in my mouth like the ocean floor
turbulently mixing as the tide rolls ashore.
I wanted to take all of you that night and never let you go. I
wanted to hold you until your shaking subsided. I could feel your heart
blasting against my chest. It was hot. It was us. It was right. I wanted to
finally be one. It was real. We were real. Our love for each other finally
exposed, open, pounding harder against our fragile young minds and hearts, and
then I panicked. I recoiled. I curled into the fetal mess of my childhood and
found that dark place where desperation caresses me. It was over. I could not
bring myself to let go and let love run its course. My whole body ached
to be one with you it screamed to be locked in the innocence of our intimacy.
I left you there on the floor naked and alone, in a pile of broken
dreams, shattered hope, and smoldering cigarettes, clinging to the
blankets.
Dumbfounded.
Clueless.
Crushed.
Leaving you clutching to worry and contempt for your decision and
me.
If I only spoke to you about my fears, my reluctance, the
importance of being faithful to my partner there would have understood. The way
I chose to slip away in the dark was so wrong. The hurt I caused still echoes
in the ether. I am not saying the hurt is any less prevalent today than it was
that warm summer night in July. Lately I have been evaluating these hardships
that I have caused my friends and lovers. I was so scared and caught off guard.
I was too fragile, but you are more fragile. The thought of me fulfilling this
desire never crossed my mind. In a relationship or not I was Johnny. I was sex.
I was whore. You were (are) my snow white angel. You came to me, we kissed, and
we were lost in the moment. The heat in the room tripled, clothes were ripped
from our bodies, our sweat glistened in the soft moonlight that entered the
room, and just moments before the consummation of our love, panic over-took me,
and I rolled out from under you and walked away. I pushed you away. Why you
spoke to me again in this lifetime blows my mind.
I convinced myself that it was you who caused the moment to go
sour. I never let the truth surface until very recently. Once I was able to
accept the fact that I really fucked up that night, the feelings of dread
filled my heart. It was like I took a bite off the apple from the tree of
knowledge. I understood the impact my unexplained actions had on our
relationship, but more importantly on you. I took your decision to freely give
yourself to me, to afford me the honor to explore and love you intimately.
I was torn. I was a 30 year old lost little boy. I never knew how to talk
to people. Once again I found a way to push it all deep inside me down deep,
deeper down deep, to that safe dark place.
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