Valentine's Day.

Good morning. Once again I have blown off the blog, but for good reasons. Love. Last Sunday, I felt so happy to be alive. Happy to be experiencing everything with a heart that was ripping out of my chest. My heart was open and exposed ready to be swept up by an alchemist and bottled as the purest active ingredient in his best selling crazed love potion. Batch 14, the batch that made Paris give Aphrodite that golden apple. Batch 14 the batch that Cupid, the winged Eros, dipped his arrows in.  However I choose to spin it I am blaming this weeks procrastination on that horny little devil's arrow. I think I stated last week that I ended my war with the Catholics, but I still wish they would leave Cupid alone, he is not the demon of fornication! Thus will be another Pope Francis victory when he gets that congregation to realize walls and wars that can be destroyed with love. Maybe the Catholics should be taught of Pope Valentine who married a couple in secrecy. The man was a soldier and it was decreed by Claudius the II that it was a sin to be wed if serving for the church and state. Of course, as all great Catholic stories it ends in death and devastation.

I have not fallen into lust or a lover's type love. It is a love of friendship and camaraderie. A chance to live and grow with another man., whom I will call Aye in this blog. If it end's in the purest expression of love, the open and free expression of truly giving one's self to the other, without walls of trepidation and fear then that is a a bonus.  Sweaty sex tumbled sheets is not the end I am looking for in this friendship but if love has fully bloomed I will without hesitation give myself to him. For now, I am enjoying the way he has made me feel. He has pushed me past my shell and once again I am exposed to the world.

Aye has caused me hurt in our brief time together. He has never met a man like me. I do not want him for sex and sex alone. I feel that he doesn't understand this and it has made him feel that I find him ugly or not worthy. I explained today that I find him drop dead gorgeous, but I am not ready to go further. His looks melt me. His smile makes me feel warm and happy, especially the first smile of the day. When I walk into his deli it is not like he frowns or recoils from me. I see the smile come to his lips and form every so slightly. The fear of our being made out by his boss is a concern.

He is Asian and the boss does not want to comprehend that his worker is homosexual. The consistently tries to talk to Aye about finding a nice Asian girl and experiencing what real love is about. How sad. It bothers me. I understand this way of thinking all to much. I grew up with ridicule and frustration because of my orientation. It is 2015 and there have been so many victories in the homosexual community, but face it, we are not even close to be perceived, respected, understood as equals.

For the first time in years I have not thought of PJ and cried or felt this emptiness in my stomach. Aye has helped me mend my broken heart. and he doesn't even know it. I should tell him soon, but for today I will just walk in this new light and have faith that the law of attractions will continue to work in my life.

A bonus in the Year of the Johnny and it feels good.