One of my best friends and I have had the discussion of gender roles seeping into homosexual relationships. I am not sure that this has always taken place because as Jan has stated, "lesbians become quite appalled when asked the question who is the man in the relationship?" She feels the same way as do I.
I am neither a top or a bottom. I am me and I feel that I possess both qualities of masculine and feminine. I don't have to have hours of ab blasting sex to be fulfilled by a lover. I find it more romantic to lie in his arms and to wake knowing he is still there. Knowing that he was there all night, because he chose to be, not because he was to tired to leave, not because he was exhausted from sex. Do not take this wrong I love sex, but it is not the most important piece of relationship. Does this make me more feminine? Does this make me the woman?
Ryan, my personal pastor (PP) gave a sermon awhile back which made me feel exactly like I possessed more womanly characteristics, in regards to my role in relationships. After further thought and reflection, I possess both qualities, equally as needed. Maybe if we all found this equilibrium in ourselves our relationships would be fulfilling, equal, honest.
Still the question is the importance for a homosexual couple to define themselves in gender roles of the heterosexual world. Jan and I have determined it's just nonsensical babble, or maybe fear of being different, or the need to play dominance and submission, or just some outlandish need for hetero commonality. I feared me sexual orientation. I feared to be found OUT! I found ways to hide Johnny from the world. I am ashamed of not accepting myself sooner and not giving a fuck to what you, Jesus, my mother, or friends felt of my joy in being gay. To this day, I do not appear to be homosexual. If you ask me I will tell you the truth, but is it really your business. I do not care how you categorize yourself. At the same time, I was never so lucky as to have my voice and vocabulary change or developed a lisp, with the acceptance of my sexual orientation. For example; Johnny would never say, "what's up, girlfriend!?" to the huge black dude in a diaper at the Pyramid Club, in the 90's! ...Meanwhile I stood around 'knee deep in all this queer' trying to accept that this was my world and why couldn't I relax and rally in the victories of the day...
My former friend PJ would occasionally say in response to a question I asked, "and it's times like this that I remember you are gay. And proud of it!" I feel we don't need to wear what or who we are on our sleeves! Most of the fun in becoming friends and/or lovers is developing my own impression of you, without gender roles having to be distinguished. Don't get me wrong it is great to be able to spot likenesses to seek comfort and acceptance, in times of crisis and self-doubt.
Reeling myself back in before I am off to flatter myself...
This need to label every facet of life can be quite annoying. I am Johnny and I have many facets, but I don't need to express them daily. I am writer, a gay man, a great friend, an ex-whore,ex many things for that matter, a CASAC student, a sociology, philosophy, anthropology student, a tattoo artist, a body piercer, a top, a bottom, etc... What is all that? CRAP! I am Johnny a sensitive human being who loves and cares about what happens to those who love and care. "That's that," to quote some mafioso. When I am in love and ready to give myself to my lover, BF, whatever, label is given. I hate having even to try and define a gay partnership. I am what my partner needs me to be at any given moment, as long as there is role reversal. I can be a top or a bottom Although the bottom comes with fear from past trauma and many stipulations. There are only ways I can make submitting work, so I guess it might not be true submission. I am not going to get into all the triggers which cause me to roll into a fetal position and rock myself to sleep they are not important for this post. In short, I want to make my lover happy. I want us to explore all avenues sexually, openly without fear, roles, and the fences man has made to keep us on short leashes of servitude.
What is important is that I do not want to play a role in the most intimate place two lovers can be. I believe Ryan my PP (personal pastor) was telling men and woman to be the best at the roles a heterosexual relationship requires to offer the most fulfillment to each other, in his sermon on, Marriage- How to Live with It and its Role in Christianity. (yeah i gave it that title). I think he would agree with me when I say we homosexuals do not need to assume roles to fulfill our lovers. We have to be what each of us need at that time. Most importantly we need to openly love, support, and seek happiness, in all aspects of our lives.
Jan I hope I helped with our discussion again. I hope I didn't trail off on too many tangents. I think I am clearer to ME now that I wrote this and that is mostly what matters. If I have to wear the pants, so be it, but if I have to dance around cleaning the house for my man in a leather thong and rainbow boa, bring it on....Love you all.
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