Hey universe, when I asked for this to be my year, I didn't know IU had to pay with some many lives....I am assuming (?) I can't get the lives you have taken from the earth back, so can I ask if we stop there???? It really hurts. I'm not good at all this death stuff. I take it personally and then I usually self-destruct. Something is different this time though. I can feel them, (just call me NEO).ha.
What is different? What changed? I feel it. Me, I changed. I am getting more responsible. I am not taking life so seriously and most of all, I now realize that I am not god, the universe, Mr. Universe, Howard!, Arnold! Fuck no, I am Johnny. Just Johnny. Like Harry is Just Harry. But Harry isn't just harry.....Ha. So neither am I. But I know that I am not the deciding factor of life or death years ago, I didn't Kill Jimmy Deyle. Not literally nor figuratively. I didn't work his heart to death. I didn't stress him out so much that his heart gave out. I was just johnny. just a boy who lost a second father that day and had no idea how to handle it. Then I did what my demons wanted me to do. I internalized it...Many moons before Jimmy's death, kawakami never awakens from a vodka and sleeping pill induced sleep. He took to many pills? He drank to much Vodka? He had no Merotronin left in his bag of tricks. He asked other people to but for him. These people couldn't be bothered with trying to figure out is "Japengrish!" They probably just smiled at him and said okay. Instead of asking what it does, why he needs it. A few fucking questions and they would have figured out KAWAKAMI NEEDED FUCKING MELATONIN to sleep. Vodka and sleeping pills was scary and no matter how stubborn he was and how much he despised me at the time, he made a promise, to not use that deadly combination to sleep. So he reached out to to others. He told others that JOHNNY got it for me. but PUNX are to fucking cool to ask some junkie loser what DIS-GOD Kawakami wants, it has nothing to do with Paul Booth or Discharge so it really shouldn't matter. Ya know what, take your fucking DIS-CRUST-Stenchcore noise attack and shove it as far up your filthy arse as you can. So far that angel eyes will never have to look at your insincere faces again. Your fake ass fashion ideology doesn't have enough class to lick the NYC scum off my boots. Fuck Off And Die!
You want streams of consciousness. Well I am flowing now.... These are things I needed to say for sometime. Stop asking for my personal pictures of me and my friend. He was not some fucking punk god to me. We didn't text each other everyday and talk about what color CAL's underwear was when he started the APOCALYPSE NOW ToUR. But ya know what, if I really gave a fuck he would have told me! We talked about MT. Fugi and Floating world, queer sex, and humanity. Granted everything had a discharged edge to it, but that was secondary. He was a human. He was my friend. I miss him. I miss waking up to ridiculous text messages that I had to translate from english to english, I miss pictures of his most recent tattoo, but it all changed after he came to the USA and all the kids who just hopped on the new wave of discharged raw noise punk filled his head with nonsense and bullshit. Fashion, studs, belts and hair. What happened, happened. Either way our friendship changed. Both of us being stubborn asses never found it in our hearts to say hey man sorry. Now he is gone and I know I am not responsible. He was my best friend for a brief time. Everyday I think of him for a minute and I know in my heart that he is in a better place. He isn't trying to live up the the image all of YOU made him live up too. He sleeps now without the aid of alcohol and pills. Most importantly, I forgive myself for thinking so poorly of me for all the years after his death. I no longer feel guilty. I can think of Kawakami and smile for the brief time we had together, what can you do?
My demons wanted me to feel guilt. I wanted the excuse to sit in a building feeling sorry for myself. I was tired. I wanted to give up. These were some of the reasons that i found my way home to a bottle of gin and a heroin habit Donald Trump couldn't afford. Well, that shit isn't going to happen today. I have a network of friends that give a fuck about me. I am gonna use them like they expect me too. I am gonna call when the shit gets thick. My mother has left this earth. She is dancing somewhere right now. She had me rub her feet the last time I saw her. She said she had a lot of walking to do. I rubbed them with honor. YES I DID...I know, me, the rubbie never the rubber. ha!
Four people have passed since December. I have grieved and I still cry. I will for a while I am sure, but I am not responsible for any of their demises. I am just johnny. it is the Year of the Johnny and I am sure all four of them would expect nothing but the best I can do. Yeah I was good at junky, but I retired the needle. Its time to be good at living and not running away.
Cheers
My mother can be seen in Herkimer NY on Friday March 20th from 5-7.
Carry-on.
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