Failed you Failed Me part 5

Remember all this is a letter written to an ex-lover.ex-Friend. Ex-Best friend. It can get confusing when I use the word, “you” I am addressing the recipient of the letter.

I had a lover. I don't think I'll risk another these days…Jackson Browne

Well I have made it this far, my purest Peage. I would like to reiterate that when my eyes first touched your grace I was hooked. It has happened two other times in my life. Once with the partner I was with when I so foolishly treated you like a common French whore and the second time just recently. After Nate I told myself I would never love again. I am not sure how I could control who or when I fall in love. Love just happens. Just like shit! Well I realize that I have fallen in love once again. I wasn’t looking for this to happen. I am not upset that I have let my guard down. At first I was upset that I had fallen in love again. But like I have said before, I cannot control my feelings. I can control how I choose to act.

I always seem to suffocate new friends, especially friends that I quickly start crushing on. I would have to say it has to do with abandonment issues. I almost squeezed the life out of this friendship before we ever spent one moment alone together. I need to remember this shit. Argh.

I will call him Aye for the purpose of his protection and mine or in case he doesn't want to be splattered in an apology to you. Maybe one day, when I am writing full-time he will not care and like David Sedaris' husband, he will be proud to have me write about him. Did I ever tell you (of course, I have not told you. We haven't spoken in five or more years,) that my new untouchable crush is David Sedaris? Genius. Brilliant. "Hugh, you had better hold on tight, Johnny's crushing on your husband!"

Where was I?

Aye has drawn me out of the fortress I have raised around myself. I haven’t been in a relationship since Jay. I have met up with guys for wild safe sex, and sold myself to old men for high priced unsafe sex, ha. Then I cleaned up and hen my germ phobia got the better of me. The longer sex escaped me the more I lost interest. As of late I didn’t even know if or when someone was checking me out. I just longed to be with you. I needed to be in your arms, to know you forgave me, to set the dial back to zero and try again. Now something has changed. I am not with Aye. I am alone, but you no longer rent the space that I have reserved for you and you alone in my head. You are my true angel. You will always be my true love, but I know this now my insecurities tell me to prepare for a huge pile of tears and hurt before the end. I have told him my feelings, but he doesn't feel the same. He has not said that to me though. He told me I have to wait for him. He wants more than a little run of sex and fun from me. He wants a relationship to last. Either way if these are not truly his feelings, he has made me want to try and let this love run its course. I think he is secure enough to tell me that friends are all we would ever be and never mention beginning a romantic adventure with me in the fall.

Fall in NYC, is a great time to start this romance: chilly nights cuddling together, walking in the park kicking the leaves, hot coffee and tea, big sweaters and growing love. I have to let my feelings run their course, I have not a choice. Recently forces beyond my control kept us apart for a little over three weeks. I thought when I saw him again I would not feel as awkward, helpless, giddy in his presence, but nothing changed. I melted into a puddle of joy as soon as I was near.

As stated earlier I almost destroyed this friendship while still budding, to much water, to much love and fuss, not enough freedom nor space afforded to allow for this growth. My insecurities almost got the better of me. Because I feel and believe the arrow pierced both of us, my defects were not enough to ruin this flower from growing. He is so different than most everyone I have ever met. Jan often says of Aye, "How does it feel to try and understand someone who is exactly like you?" This is the problem. He plays his hand the same way I would. I understand this and I still panic when he puts his cards down. I know what his had will hold because it is the same as mine, but I can’t read it. I screw it all up in my head. I jump to conclusions, I apologize for nothing. I act like a jealous little trust fund kid. I panic. And then the fog clears from around my head and I look at the situation and down at his hand and there it is nothing that I expected to see. It is never what I expect. It literally blows my mind.

The moment I met Aye I no longer wanted to be alone. I wanted to come out of the shell. I wanted to try and love another man no matter what the outcome. It wasn’t just another man it was him.  I wanted him. I fooled myself into thinking I just wanted a friendship, but that was not the case. From the day ours eyes met and he extended his hand to me and said my name is Aye. I crumpled. I fooled myself into believing I wanted friendship because I didn't want to hear the word, “NO, I don’t want a relationship with you.” I fooled my self wholeheartedly and I never heard his words. He wanted more from the beginning and I pushed that aside due to fear, insecurity and shame for the scars that now riddle my body. Now that I have told him the truth about all of my fears time has allowed our infatuation to develop into the friendship I knew would grow. I am happy with where we are at today. We talk. We joke around. I get him presents and he gets mad. They are stupid little things because I can’t afford something real for him to enjoy. I am glad this relationship has come about. I learned that I can love another, get hurt or have fun, and I can experience all of this without self-destructing. He has allowed me the chance to want to live life again. I am so grateful. I do not think he will ever truly understand the part he has played in my life.

Peage, what really happened is that I no longer have to live life in hopes of your returning to me and saying lets get married! I wont lie I have had a few daydreams of our beautiful city hall marriage. Seriously, since I have met Aye, I no longer think of you as the last man I will ever love.

This brings me to the point of all these words. By no means are any of these words meaningless to me. If anything they are the most real words I have ever given to you. I still love you. I don’t think I will ever fall out of love with you. Would I would come back to you in a heart-beat.  Of course, I would come back to you, my angel, if I was not in a relationship. All you need to do is ask. I think you know this, but I also think you know that I am not the man for you. I will never stop loving you. Forever and always. You are my angel. You are my love at first sight. You are everything. Maybe one day you will come back to me and we can have a glass of wine (probably not), how about a ton of coffee and cigarettes, and laugh about all of my zaniness. Most importantly, the least I can do is be the friend I promised to be so many fucking years ago. My angel, my love, my friend, come back to me and lets live. If not, I am sorry for all the hurt I caused, all of the sleepless nights, all of the pain, and my short-comings, my failures to you and to myself. I am here. You know how to find me. No matter where I am or whom I am with, I am here for you, watching and waiting for you. My light always burns for you.

We've been through fake-a-breakdown, self-hurt, plastics, collections, self-help, self-pain, EST, psychics, fuck all.

I was central. I had control. I lost my head. I need this, I, I need this.

A paper weight, junk garage, winter rain, a honey pot.

Crazy all the lovers have been tagged.

Hotline wanted ad, crazy what you could have had, I need this. I need this. I, I, I need this. Crazy what we could've had… Michael Stipe, R.E.M.

Forever and always…