Absolutely love you

As long as you’re still smiling

There’s nothing more I need

I absolutely love you

But were absolute beginners

If my love is your love we’re certain to succeed…David Bowie

Yes, indeed, folks, Johnny did it again. I smothered a friendship which was certain to eventually be filled with passion. Well in my reality! I just don’t fucking get it. I just can’t seem to give the other person space. I need to really work on why I have to constantly be enveloped in everything. They do, every second of the day. I cannot just let life happen and be happy that I have found new companionship, camaraderie, joy.  I am never satisfied knowing that another is starting to care for me as much as I care for him, never quite being able to get the words out that I am trying to say because I get so wrapped up in the negative situations created by myself to sabotage, budding new life. Even after other friends, warn me to stay away and slow down, I continue to be bothersome, needy and so fucking emotionally unstable. This is where my problems lay, emotional instability and fear of rejection.

The energy that poured through him into me, on that blistery cold morning in late January was so electrifying and blissful. Happiness filled my every pore. I immediately needed him in my life. His is eyes were so dark and mysterious, yet I could see pain and hurt lurking not far from their surface. He was reaching out to me as much as I to him. I needed to take charge at this moment and be strong. I believe, I did do this, at first. He was honest with me and he needed me to just grab him at that moment and tell him how I felt. Instead I swallowed those feelings and hid them deep. For the moment, I pretended friendship was what I wanted. I was scared to commit so quickly and consummate just as fast, Now, I nee him and he’s gone for good. Now I want him and he is gone for life. Now I am willing to be whatever he needs me to be and he is silent from my life. Friendship was not better than being his lover. He knew what he wanted and it was not called friend, and I was an ass for not trying to be the man he wanted in his life.

The situation he asked for our second meeting. After denying him this and making it seem like it was because of his shortcomings and not my insecurities the friendship never took ground and grew. It tried to fight and blossom, but in the end, my needy, insecure, over protective, questioning, jealous nature ripped what little spark we had and threw it to the ground. He eventually sickened of me and the drama that walks behind my and told me to get fucking lost. I cried. I still feel the loneliness; the pain of loss is as great as my mother’s recent passing.

I need him in my life? What do I do? I know I just have to ride this storm out, but I am so weak and insecure when it comes to feeling this way. I am still pounding on the door begging to be let in. Begging to be loved and crying to his silent word.