mourn

Good Morning, mourning...
it has been a stressful week. Job interviews. five this week. I wasn't to excited about any of them. The one I have today has the best hours so far. I have to be able to do an internship. I can't go through more schooling and then decide to take a job that is totally in an unrelated field. I set my boy free last night. It hurts so fucking much. I dont think I can make it. i dont think I can be true to my word. I dont want to but what do I do?????He tells me one day he is going to be a better friend and then the next day he stops speaking to me. I dont get it. Is he that cold? Does he hate me? what did I say to turn him off? I apologized for my not wanting to sex with (ha thats what he calls it) the first week of our friendship. It really insulted him,. I am the one that is suffering. not him. he doesn't understand what is actually happening at the moment. He is young and foolish and thinks i am so pathetic that I will wait forever. I am not that pathetic boy from years ago. I am an old battered soul now. I have to stop beating myself up but this is all I have. nothing more. nothing can stand in my way. i want nothing to get in my way. i want to feel this. I cannot keep word. I am here for him. He has to be here for me. doesn't he?
Sorry this is just an exercise in brainstorming journey....
Do you know your life is empty?
Like the leaves cling to the trees. oh my darling cling to me.